Crack research

Riff Raff, by Michael Tilley
[email protected]

Tiresome has become this 1% prepared food tax issue in Fort Smith.

This back and forth with their facts, our facts, your facts, my facts and other statistics and numbers and claims whose origins range from obvious to dubious is a lot like that 10-pound backpack on a 10-mile hike — light and easy at the beginning, heavy and cumbersome toward the end.

Consideration of the tiresomeness of the debate recently coincided with Todd Snider’s “Statistician’s Blues” popping up on my iTunes playlist. It was during the following portion of the song that it became apparent Snider had not written the perfect country and western song, but he did write the perfect 1% prepared food tax anthem.

“64 percent of all the world’s statistics are made up right there on the spot
82.4 percent of people believe ’em whether they’re accurate statistics or not
I don’t know what you believe but I do know there’s no doubt
I need another double shot of something 90 proof
I got too much to think about.”

As if the above lyrics aren’t enough, you, Kind Reader, should know that the song appeared on Snider’s “Near Truths & Hotel Rooms” album. Once more for effect: “Near Truths & Hotel Rooms.” If that’s not enough to convince you the song should be the 1% issue anthem, then consider the opening lyrics to the song:
“They say 3 percent of the people use 5 to 6 percent of their brain
97 percent use 3 percent and the rest goes down the drain
I’ll never know which one I am but I’ll bet you my last dime
99 percent think with 3 percent 100 percent of the time.”

With Snider as inspiration, our crack team of The City Wire researchers, along with our team of crack researchers and a group of folks who research teams on crack, pulled together the following list of facts, statistics and observations on the 1% issue. We’ve also thrown in a few subtle lies that could be true if frequently repeated with a straight face within earshot of those eager to believe anything that supports their rigid belief structure.

1% PREPARED FOOD TAX FACTS
• The original Fort Smith Civic Center was built in the late 1960s and was initially used to house the studio from which NASA faked televised images of the “moon landings.”

• If the 1% prepared food tax fails, the Fort Smith Police Department will have to trade their sidearms for those Super Soaker water pump guns made by Nerf.

• The Fort Smith Convention Center is a building located in Fort Smith, and it provides space for conventions and other large gatherings.

• The 1% of a prepared food tax bill to be taxed will be in the percentage between 31% and 33%. Unfortunately, this percentage is the portion that is most critical to the budgets of hard working men and women in Fort Smith.

• When the Fort Smith Convention Center was expanded, voters were told by the city that  it would make money by using special solar panels to produce electricity, research-quality stem cells and a special BBQ sauce sold in Walmart Stores. (This fact was generously provided by Frank Glidewell.)

• Millions of dollars in rental income at the center have been lost because the city has refused to rent space to the Department of Defense for large regional military reunions, and refused to rent space to popular televangelist Joel Osteen. The reason for the refusals is because Fort Smith City Administrator Ray Gosack hates God and America.

• Although cities with a convention center funded by a prepared food tax have not collapsed into decay, researchers with the Institute of Municipal Corruption That Likely Exists in Fort Smith have reported that passage of the 1% tax in Fort Smith has a 96.69% chance of resulting in a total loss of the city’s moral and socio-economic fabric.

• Las Vegas officials are funding the anti-1% prepared food tax effort because they fear the competition from an adequately funded Fort Smith Convention Center. (This fact generously provided by the Fort Smith Advertising & Promotion Commission.)

• If the tax passes, owners and staffers of The City Wire have been promised numerous “interviews” when the Fort Smith A&P recruits the U.S. Escort/Call Girl Association to town. All other media outlets rejected the obvious bribe.

• In one of the more obscure Federalist Papers, Robert E. Lee and Jim Morrison wrote that the Founding Fathers opposed prepared food taxes and other “narrow-interest” tax collection “schemes” because they represent a “last-resort funding effort” of tyrannical regimes that hate God, freedom and the “pursuit of libertyness.”

• The prepared food tax will annually generate $1.8 million if collected in dimes, but will only collect an estimated $1.271 million if collected in quarters.

• Surveys show that 92.3% of people who support the prepared food tax also support the United Nations, kicking puppies and Houston Nutt. (This fact also was generously provided by Frank Glidewell.)

• If the tax is not approved, the Fort Smith Fire Department will cut costs by not responding to fires at the homes or businesses of those who signed the petition to put the 1% issue on the ballot instead of enacting it by ordinance.