The Rosey

We’ve received a few more real letters from a real reader with a troubled dog. Or maybe it’s a real dog with a troubled owner. Anyway, as noted in our recent conversations with Rosey’s owner, we’re not sure about the dog, or the story.

We first met Rosey and her (or his) owner in February and learned they were seeking some form of recognition from all the awards and honors issued by numerous social groups and area institutions. Rosey and her (or his) owner responded in early April to complain that The City Wire was not doing enough to submit an award application on behalf of Rosey.

We now learn from a recent letter that Rosey’s need for attention has resulted in a federal case, with Rosey continuing to believe social acceptance from an award will blunt her (or his) legal problems and boost her (or his) self esteem.

The letter and response:

Dear Mr. Tilley:

I didn’t mean to jinx Rosey’s return but, in fact, that’s exactly what happened. Rosey did something at a motel in the Texas panhandled where she was staying with Georgie, and Texas being what it is, authorities there concluded that Rosey was a fugitive from justice and that U.S. Marshals should be called to deliver Rosey back to Fort Smith.

She protested loudly. She said she was the canine representative on the U.S. Marshals Museum Board and as such, should be entitled to special treatment. But that didn’t work.

She said she was a mayoral candidate. That didn’t work. The U.S. Marshals office in Texas called Fort Smith city hall and whoever answered said it was not possible that Rosey would be a candidate for mayor because the application form has a place to check off the number of legs you have. And if Rosey had told the truth and put down “four legs,” she would not be a valid candidate. It is interesting that the application doesn’t have a place to insert information about other organs (for example, brains) or intellectual issues pertinent to the job.

So the U.S. Marshals would not buy that excuse and refused to let Rosey go. So at this point, the U.S. Marshals are bringing Rosey, accompanied by Georgie Keys, back to Fort Smith.

Rosey wants an award and feels certain that whatever illegal activity has been thrust upon her can be neutralized by this award.

Best regards,
An Insignificant Reader

Dear Insignificant Reader and owner of Rosey:

It is troubling that Rosey’s problems mount (no pun intended) in her (or his) misguided effort to seek validation through an award. In addition to the above letter, we at The City Wire were most troubled to receive your recent garbled text message about Rosey’s sensitive issue in Utah with a Mormon cowboy.

We usually avoid involvement in the personal problems of our readers, but your pitiful stories forced us to respond with a possible solution. The solution is that instead of Rosey seeking an award, maybe we establish an award in her (or his) honor recognizing (or exposing) some of the silly circuitous paths — literal and figurative — individuals and groups take in the name of self-proclaimed progress and/or self-promotion.

This new award will simply be called “The Rosey.” Winners will receive a bronze likeness of Rosey chasing her (or his) tail. We’ve decided that “The Rosey” could not be more appropriate for a town with a rose as its flower and a mayor who spends thousands of dollars a year to buy roses and throw rose petals at special events where someone has done something to gain attention.

Several candidates have been found for the first annual The Rosey.

• A local church noted in an e-mail bulletin that a group of preachers agreed to walk 26.2 miles (a marathon) in five days as part of an attempt to promote healthy lifestyles. Just a few lines down in the same bulletin was a note encouraging folks to attend an “all-you-can-eat pancake breakfast” to support the youth baseball program.

• Then there is the city of Fort Smith that now fervently implores citizens to understand how important the Fort Smith Convention Center is and how necessary it is to seek a solution to an upcoming funding shortfall. The city has known this day was coming for 10 years. How important could it be if they waited until the last minute?

• And there are all those Tea Party folks who gathered in public, taxpayer-supported facilities managed by local, state and federal governments to call for tax cuts and less government.

• The award could be bestowed upon celebrities who urge us to cut our carbon footprint and then jet back to their 15,000-square foot mansion.

• We also have Realtors who gave a candidate $2,000, voted to “support” the candidate and then were miffed at the media for referring to the donation and vote of support as an “endorsement.” That’s classic Bill Clinton-style tail chasing (figurative, not literal).

Our other solution is to encourage Rosey to evaluate her relative life of leisure. Musical genius Ray Charles lyrically noted that “the lucky old Sun has nothing to do, but roll around heaven all day.” We suspect the Sun has nothing on Rosey and her daily schedule of eat, sleep, chase tail, repeat.

Part of that evaluation also includes considering the disadvantages of attention. Theoretical physicist Stephen Hawking recently said it may have been a bad idea to send out all those probes telling beings on other planets who we are and how to get to Earth. He says they might show up and treat us like we treated Native Americans. Which is to say our future could be in the operation of cosmic casinos.

We at The City Wire hope this has been helpful, and we look forward to Rosey’s return to Fort Smith.

Sincerely,
The City Wire staff