New Congressional Plans Revealed On Last Day Of Session

Two new competing Congressional redistricting plans were revealed on the last day of the legislative session leaving lawmakers in a quandary over how to resolve differences on the decennial process.

The first map, known as "The Fayetteville Wedgie," basically pulls the city of Fayetteville into the Second Congressional District through a 5-mile wide thin line stretching straight from Conway to the Fayetteville city borders.

"That’s got to hurt," said Rep. Clark Hall (D-Marvell), author of the new bill. "I was counting votes down in the Senate and they just aren’t there. We’ve got to try something even crazier to get their attention. I offered a finger, but this gives them a two-fisted yank."

Sen. Larry Teague (D-Nashville) offered another alternative to the existing maps on Friday, April 1 with a plan dubbed "The Jonesboro Camel Toe." State Agencies Chair Sue Madison (D-Fayetteville) frowned at the notion and Teague quickly pulled the bill down from consideration.

"Former State Senator Jim Hill put me up to it. He said it would be funny, but, uh, I don’t know why I ever listen to him. He always gets me in trouble," said Teague.

In another surprise move, Sen. Percy Malone (D-Arkadelphia) said he was tired of all the drama related to Congressional redistricting. He altered a shell bill to renumber the Congressional Districts.

"Under my plan, the Third District is now the First. The First is the Second. The Fourth is the Third and the Second is the Fourth. I bet no one knows what district they are in now," Malone said before laughing maniacally and walking off with a pet monkey to get a lunchtime hamburger.

Reps. Charlie Collins (R-Fayetteville) and Uvalde Lindsey (D-Fayetteville), who represent the city at the center of the controversial maps, said they were adamantly opposed to the "Wedgie" plan.

"It’s just reminiscent of some college dorm prank," said Collins. "That would never happen in Fayetteville… oh wait," he added before quickly departing for a committee to run a gun bill.

Lindsey said he was disappointed in the latest map.

"What’s it going to take to let my people go?" he bemoaned. "I feel like Moses before the Pharoah. A plague! A plague on the State Agencies Committee!"

Within seconds of his pronouncement, lightning struck the state capitol dome sending legislators and staff scurrying for cover in nearby offices.

Rep. Hank Wilkins (D-Pine Bluff), who is also a pastor, asked if God had spoken and could the 88th General Assembly officially adjourn.

"That’s not in Robert’s Rules of Order," said House Parliamentarian Tim Massinelli, "But since I’ve been around since God cooled the Earth, I’d have to say that’s a sign of the apocalypse. Next thing you know, Republicans will be the majority party."

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Editor’s Note: Today is Friday, April 1st – April Fool’s Day.  Watch out for practical jokes and find a reason to smile today!