Billy’s prostitution solution

Riff Raff, by Michael Tilley
[email protected]

Billy, a college friend from thousands of years ago, called again this week. He’d just returned from Vegas because “them sumbitches with the Corps of Engineers done caused” his favorite Mississippi casino to be flooded.

As is the case each time a conversation with Billy is noted in this space, we remind you, Kind Reader, that Billy is convinced The City Wire will never be a long-term success unless it includes stories about hunting seasons, high school football, NASCAR, and presents a weekly photo feature of a local Hooters girl.

Anyway, he was stuck in DFW and, apparently, had too much time on his hands. He called to offer a “solution” to the convention center issue and to harass us about our coverage of the Postal Service.

Billy: You folks ain’t implemented that hamburger tax yet, have you?

MT: No sir. That begins June 1, unless court action stops it. Why do you ask?

Billy: Well, I done read that story about the University of Arkansas researcher saying that prostitution was more than about some skank standing on the corner selling a favor or two for drug money or whatever. This researcher, a gal no less, said modern prostitution is more and more about well-educated, and well-paid women simply running a business using the Internet or other means to get hooked up.

MT: And?

Billy: Well, this researcher gal also said the government might as well legalize and regulate the business to protect both parties. And she didn’t mention this, but I say the government could also tax it.

MT: Legalizing, regulating and taxing prostitution is not really a new idea, Billy. Many libertarians, for example, have espoused that view for years.

Billy: Well, I don’t know what the hell the issue has to do with librarians, but this here research points to a solution for your convention center funding problem.

MT: How so?

Billy: I figured I would have to explain it all out to get through your thick skull. See, you just pass whatever laws you need to, and then convert your Miss Laura’s Visitors Center back to its original purpose.

MT: Assuming we could pass the laws as easy as you suggest, do you believe running a whorehouse will raise the $3,000 to $5,000 a day to fund the convention center and the city’s tourism marketing operations?

Billy: Hell yes! Look, you get anywheres from 15-20 of them well-educated prostitutes to turn at least two jobs a day for about $200 each, and you got $6,000 to $8,000 a day. Of course, you’ll have to split that, so maybe the city gets about $2,000 or $3,000. But you’ll have alcohol sales and you bring in one of them adult stores to sell supplies and you get a commission off that. So I’d bet you easily get the money you need without having to raise that stupid tax. Folks think the government is screwing them anyway. Heck, you could sell t-shirts that say “We’re with the government and we’re here to screw you.”

MT: You’ve really thought this out. I don’t know whether to laugh or be impressed with your bold sincerity.

Billy: You bet I’ve thought about this. Also, you’d probably want a few men and women and bisexuals on the payroll, you know, just to provide more of a menu of choices. It should be an equal opportunity experience where everybody is made to feel welcome; you know, men, women, transvestites and Texans.

MT: Billy, you do realize there is no way in hell this idea will EVER get off the ground? Granted, being the only city in the U.S. sanctioning prostitution would generate immense publicity, but it may not be the publicity we want. For example, I doubt we’d get the Jehovah’s Witnesses to come back to town.

Billy: Who cares about them? For every group you lose, I bet you pop up on the radar of many other groups that would see Miss Laura’s as a big bonus. Don’t be surprised if every dang motorcycle club in the U.S. puts Fort Smith on the convention consideration list.

MT: Your logic is surprisingly solid, but you might as well propose we bring back hangings. It’s not going to happen.

Billy: You folks in Fort Smith have been talking for years about recruiting higher wage and smarter folks to the area. Right?

MT: Yes, but what’s that

Billy: It’s got everything to do with it, Mr. Know-it-all. That university researcher said these high-end hookers are smart and rich, and if you use them to solve your convention center problems, you all will have killed three birds with one ho.

MT: It won’t

Billy: work. You arrogant media folks, all y’all know how to do is shoot down ideas. How about the fact that the U.S. porn industry is a more than $10 billion a year deal. You got yourself all kinds of different folks in that industry that have them conventions every year. You Fort Smith folks open Miss Laura’s again as a whorehouse and guess where those folks may want to convene? They are all over Vegas. I just saw several groups.

MT: But you’ll never get Fort Smith folks to approve it. The Baptists would fight

Billy: Yes, the church folks would go crazy. The first thing you’d have to do is make an exemption from that Freedom of Information stuff so the client list stays private. That way you might get the area church leadership to be neutral on the issue. And then you sell the whole deal with special packages.

MT: Special packages?

Billy: Sure, connect an evening of entertainment to Fort Smith or Arkansas history. You could have the “Judge Parker,” where the woman, or man, uses a gavel and rope to punish the customer. Or maybe the “Ray Baker,” where rose petals automatically fall from the ceiling during the climax of the hourly visit.

MT: Billy, that is wrong on so many levels.

Billy: If you think that was wrong, then you’ll hate the “Bill Clinton” and the “Bass Reeves.” Wanna know what those are?

MT: No, I don’t! Look Billy, this

Billy: The “Bill Clinton” includes a chubby girl, cigar and coupons for free dry cleaning, and the “Bass Reeves” is where a large black man chases you around the room before finally capturing the client. Whaddya think about all that?

MT: I think we would offend just about every demographic group possible if we were to print your ideas.

Billy: That’s what I figured from you. You’re all open minded about stuff until it gets real. Don’t ever let me hear you talk about how Fort Smith tourism benefits from that “True Grit” movie, because it was during them times that the folks in Fort Smith were customers of a whole row of whorehouses down along the river. Sissies like you are too politically correct to have any True Grit.

MT: OK, this sissy gets your point. Let’s change the subject. You wanted me to remind you to give me a hard time about our coverage of the Post Office moving the mail processing operation from Fort Smith to Fayetteville.

Billy: Oh, that’s right. You wrote a story on May 8 about the Post Office, and in that there story you said you’d get back to the readers with a comment from the Post Office. It’s been a week now and you ain’t given the Post Office their chance to comment. That seems mighty unfair to me.

MT: It’s not unfair, it’s frustrating. We sent the Post Office spokesman a list of questions on May 6. On May 11, we were notified we would get answers on May 23.

Billy: Hmmm. They must have mailed in the answers.

MT: Real funny, Billy, reeeeeaaaaal funny.