Riff Raff: Shawshank shareholders soiree

by Michael Tilley (mtilley@talkbusiness.net) 757 views 

Folks in Bentonville are prepping for the June 1 Walmart shareholders meeting. We at Talk Business & Politics may or may not have acquired a draft agenda of the big meeting.

Also, some of what follows was first posted Dec. 17, 2017, well before Walmart folks removed the them-persistent-union-folks-rain-on-our-parade business meeting from the big Friday shareholders meeting. It’s now a hybrid pep rally, music festival, and church service with corporate Kool-Aid communion.

At the business meeting the day before the big shareholders/associates revival meeting, Hall and Oates will perform an acoustic version of “I Can’t Go For That” immediately following the announcement of shareholder proposals not endorsed by the Walmart board of directors.

Ellen is hosting the big Friday event, according to the draft agenda we may or may not have. She plays a few games, including one in which a Walton family member is dropped in a vat of law firm invoices and internal memos related to the Foreign Corrupt Practices Act investigation. The multitude of invoices and memos easily cushion the fall.

Mark Hamill makes an appearance. He is told his father is really Sam Walton, and the evil emperor is Jeff Bezos. In a pre-taped video, Hamill, now known as Luke Skywalton, uses the force – paid for largely by suppliers – to roll back prices until the Amazon Death Star explodes.

“Pickup online, you should,” Yoda notes in a cameo.

Walmart Chief Financial Officer Brett “Smallsie” Biggs will announce the company has acquired the Mississippi River in a $20 billion deal with the federal government. As part of the deal, Walmart is allowed to prevent any Amazon shipments on the river or through the airspace above the river, and the government will use the Walmart proceeds to build the wall.

Bruno Mars performs. 24 Karat Magic is reduced to 12 Karats, because, you know, everyday low prices.

Kate McKinnon, impersonating former Walmart board member Hillary Clinton, makes frequent cameos around Bud Walton Arena, appearing on the big screens. The highlight is when she does a Walmart squiggly/lap dance with CEO Doug McMillon.

David Letterman reports the Top 10 list of the godawfulest outfits worn at a Walmart store. He’ll also drop Walmart produce from the top of Bud Walton Arena.

Morgan Freeman narrates the boring-as-hell financial review portion of the meeting with the voice of Red from “Shawshank Redemption.” You might hear: ”It was clear our e-commerce business team was more excited than the bull queens with a new inmate,” and “Get busy stocking or get busy dying.”

Cheech and Chong will be there because medical marijuana might be available in some states where the company operates. But not in Arkansas. They’ll provide a “tight roll” instructional video for Sam’s Club pharmacists. On a related note, it will be announced that the snack food section in certain Sam’s Clubs will relocate next to the pharmacy.

CNBC’s Jim Cramer washes the feet and performs other forms of worship on the Walmart management team.

Dale Earnhardt Jr., in a video appearance, drives Walmart CEO Doug McMillon along Interstate 49 in a race car to show how McMillon benefits from wearing adult Depends.

The Black Panther will make a special appearance to note that all Walmart stores in Wakanda have converted to full self-checkout. He will then introduce John “Fletch” Coxtolstoy, the last associate to be trained by Walmart to work a cash register.

There to promote her new “130K” line of lingerie sold exclusively in Walmart stores will be Stormy Daniels. The first 100 online customers also receive a signed rolled-up magazine.

And I know what you’re thinking. And you’re right. This event would have been better if Arkansas officials would have already made available that medical marijuana.