Run for the hills

As if you needed more proof of the absolute certainty provided by the Mayan Calendar that the world is going to end Dec. 21, 2012, we have the Japan disaster, unrest in the Middle East, Charlie Sheen and Rorschach-inspired Arkansas Congressional redistricting maps.

Laugh all you want, you silly and superficial non-believers, but all this good life revolving around the resurgence of Razorback athletics, AC/DC and the acceptance of online journalism is soon to be squashed by the alignment of comets, galaxies and the fractal time realities one excitable person has termed the “Maya Cosmogenesis.”

Furthermore, If you think unapologetically blatant politics is why the Phish-loving hippies on Fayetteville’s Dickson Street and the duck hunting Old South patriarchs near El Dorado are about to be in the same Congressional district, then you, my friend, are going to be shocked when the world is torn asunder by a cosmic alignment so powerful that the only thing to survive will be a small band of transgender Elvis impersonators.

Another apocalyptic-ending reminder was delivered when 5 NEWS Weatherman Garrett Lewis posted a blog about an alarmist who predicted the “Japan Earthquake Days in Advance.”

Lewis was intrigued by the report that the Comet Elenin caused the havoc in Japan. It seems when this comet aligned itself with the Earth and the Sun, Japan was in the wrong cosmic place at the wrong time — proving that sometimes you have no control over the company you keep.

“I find it intriguing that the supposed alignment happened on the same day as 2 major earthquakes. Coincidence? Decide for yourself,” Lewis, a temperature and moisture scientist of impeccable qualifications and undeniable credibility, wrote in his ratings-seeking report.

While most folks would end their research with the canonistic revelations of Weatherman Lewis, The City Wire sought additional input from Michael Shermer, the founding publisher of Skeptic magazine and executive director of the Skeptics Society. Shermer, in what is likely a low point in his otherwise impressive career, agreed to a phone interview with yours truly.

“I don’t think there is an increase,” Shermer said from his California office when asked if more people are buying into end-time prophecies and cosmic alignment conjecture. “I think there is always a background level of noise and that sort of thing goes on at any given time. It cycles around, of course, if there is some pop culture thing or movie.”

Sure enough, the chick in Weatherman Lewis’ blog uses pop culture to try to convince you the deal is about to go down in a hard way.

This nice lady uses movie trailers from “2012" and “Battle: Los Angeles” to wrap up her argument that WE’RE ALL DOOMED. Grab your “bug-out bag” — her words, not mine — and head for, uhhhh, ummm, well, gosh, let’s see now; if the world is torn apart, the best view of the black hole death of you and your family might be had at Mt. Magazine State Park. (The state park website provides no info on refunds in the event your cabin is ripped away to one of Saturn’s inner rings.)

Comet Lady also is in touch with the Savior.

“I also had a vision. Jesus showed me the numbers 22 and 23, so, if it doesn’t happen this weekend it could happen around the 22nd,” this chick noted, suggesting that Christ is disturbingly cavalier and unpredictable on when he may screw up your weekend.

“In general, these type of beliefs have always been with us and always will be,” Shermer said. “I think people have short memories of the fact that failed end-of-the-year predictions come and go by the hundreds over the centuries. It gets lost on people who think, ‘Well, maybe the next one is real.’”

Shermer added, with a laugh, that a new Christian group is predicting that May 21 is judgment day and Dec. 21, 2012, is the end of the world.

“Actually, the whole run up (to the end times) is going to start much sooner than we thought,” Shermer said.

But what about the National Geographic Channel, History Channel and the other respectable channels that frequently feature these end-of-the-world scenarios or Nostradamus episodes?

“It gets pretty good ratings and … because they are tired of doing all-Hitler-all-the-time,” Shermer said, adding that the typical schedule is that such channels do the JFK conspiracy theories, the UFO’s, the alien stuff, “and then they work their way around to the end of the world.”

Why do people continue to give credence to such theories and predictions?

“Any good fiction needs a narrative arc that has some gravitas to it,” Shermer said. “People think, ‘Well, who would make up something like this?’ … But just because someone stamps ‘non-fiction’ on it doesn’t make it real.”

Shermer, who makes fun of such beliefs, does note that conspiracies and cults are not always harmless.

“Most of these superstitious beliefs only matter to the extent that they change somebody’s life. You know, they lose their job or families or whatever and then it becomes problematic,” he said.

He reminded of March 1997 when members of the Heaven’s Gate cult killed themselves to be with the mothership hiding in the tail of the Comet Hale-Bopp.

“There is that danger, and it is real,” Shermer said.

To that point, Shermer notes to the inconsistencies of religion and how they aren’t much different from the Heaven’s Gate group.

“But in a way, Scientology and Mormonism these are UFO cults, of a kind. There is a higher power coming down from on high to deliver some secret special message etched in gold plates, or whatever, and given to L. Ron Hubbard, who was himself by the way a science fiction writer before he became a religious leader,” Shermer explained.

Ditto for Christianity and Islam.

“And, in a way, so to is Christianity and Islam and Judaism. You know, the burning bush and the secret invisible powerful agent out there coming to us, cares about us, involved with us, commands that we believe in him and so on. It’s all tied together in many ways, I think.”

For those who firmly believe the next cosmic alignment is just around the corner, Shermer offers a a question to test their commitment.

“You can ask them if anybody wants to give up their house or car or whatever. Because the world is going to end, they won’t need  it. You can’t take it with you, you know.”

Shermer does believe in an end-of-the-world timeline. And he’s hopeful that spaceships — ours — can take us to other worlds before this one gets cooked.

“It (the Earth) will go on until the sun expands into a red giant, you know, five billion years or so,” he explained. “It’s only a matter of time, probably a few hundred years if not a few thousand years before we’re going out into space to other planets around other solar systems. … Even if it’s 5,000 years, that’s just nothing compared to the billions of years left. So we have plenty of time to leave.”

And you still have time to book that cabin at Mt. Magazine. Maybe you’ll have a chance encounter with Weatherman Lewis and transgender Elvis impersonators.

Coincidence? Decide for yourself.