The City Wire special report: Jody’s ups and downs

Editor’s note: This is another story in a series of stories on mental illness issues. Throughout 2010 The City Wire will attempt to post at least one story a month on this often hidden affliction. The list of previous articles in this series is located at the end of this story.

story by Marla Cantrell
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She sits at a booth in McDonald’s, and her feet barely reach the floor. Jody is a tiny woman, and her nails are as short as any man’s. She turns her right hand over, exposes the pale skin of her wrist, and demonstrates the right way to use a knife.

“If I get really upset, I cut like that,” Jody said, running the index finger of her left hand making a vertical slash that starts at the base of her right wrist. “You cut down. If you cut across, blood’s not going anywhere.”

Jody, 33, has been diagnosed twice: once with bipolar disorder, and once with schizophrenia. She agrees with the schizophrenia diagnosis, saying she’s had the kind of hallucinations usually attributed to the mental illness. She also suffers from paranoia, believing people in crowded places are talking about her, even if they’re not looking her way.

Only 1.1% of the U.S. population over 18 have the illness.

Jody said most of her problems happen when she is manic. Which is a lot.

“I used to have a gambling problem,” Jody said. “I went to the casino and won $7,000 then put it all back in, except $70. This past year, I’ve only gone three times.”

She’s also had enough man trouble to fill an entire day’s worth of programming on Lifetime TV.

“This guy I’m dating right now, he’s a good guy. But I grew up seeing a lot of important people in the community cheat and stuff, and I just thought it was something cool,” she said, tapping her fingers on the table. “I admit when I do things wrong. I take my part of the responsibility. … Sometimes, I look back and think, really? I did that.”

One of those things involved a man she’d been seeing last summer. In October, when the romance went wrong, she overdosed on her medication, and ended up in a mental facility. It was her all-time low point, and one that scared her so much she’s determined to make it her last.

“I think I’ve had problems most of my life,” Jody explained. “I didn’t start talking until I was almost five, and after that I argued with everybody. … My mom would tell my doctors I was moody and I had a bad temper. In the 8th grade, I was diagnosed with a non-verbal learning disorder. I made it through college, but it took me 11 years.”

She has a degree, but she’s never really used it.

“It’s hard to have this and hold down a job,” Jody said. “I’m looking real hard right now. I don’t do well with direct supervision, so I like jobs where I can be left alone.”

At 22, Jody had a daughter. When she talks about her, she lights up, describing her daughter’s antics in the mall, remarking on how well she does in school. But the girl doesn’t live with her.

“I have full custody, but she’s with my parents. We’re really close, but I have a lot to deal with. They’re older, and really good with her.”

Jody has reconciled the complicated feelings she has about her situation with her daughter. She spends much of her time sorting out her own life, dealing with the highs and the subsequent lows, and trying to find appropriate ways to cope. Still, she craves the rush she used to get from the manic episodes, now diminished due to the medications she takes.

“I’ve heard riding really fast rides, like in Branson, can give you that same kind of feel. I went there this summer, and I thought about it, but I was really down that day and I didn’t do it. When you’re high like that, you feel invincible.”

Jody twirled her index finger in a wide circle.

“You can get high just driving around, like McDonald’s, over and over and over again. But I’d really love to bungee jump, not once, you know, anybody can do that, but a whole lot, tons of time.”

She talked fast, her thoughts jumping like horses over hurdles. Her stories are about things that bother her: lying, bitter people, gossips.

“When I’m off my medication, people ask if I’m on Meth. I’ve never taken drugs, or smoked marijuana, or anything. But that’s what I’m like. Everything really speeds up. And I like risks. Like, I’ll drive around on ‘empty’ just to see how long I can go. I’ve run out a lot, but really, people worry too much. I think so anyway.”

Right now, Jody’s in therapy, and attends regular NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness) support meetings at Western Arkansas Guidance and Counseling in Fort Smith. Her medication is working, and she’s starting to feel a little more secure about the future.

She’s lived this life so long, she’s gotten numb to the stigma associated with mental illness. Instead she focuses on what life will look like when she’s finally reached a place she calls normal.

“I’d shop at Target, and buy Tide,” Jody said, wistful at the thought of a regular life. “Right now I can’t afford it, and I really love the way it smells. I’d shop at Maurice’s and not have to look at price tags. I’d have a home, and things would be really good.”

Previous articles in the series
• Mental illness hits one in five persons
• Robert’s colors and Asperger’s Syndrome
• Tonya’s world
• Annette’s adventures in her bipolar world
• Married without a wife
• Kent’s constant anxiety