The Losers is a loser

Editor’s note: Peter Lewis has agreed to use whatever it is you call his writing style to provide some measure of analysis to those folks who still go to a theater to see a movie. Enjoy.

review by Peter Lewis

Contrived -adjective: obviously planned or forced; artificial; strained: a contrived story.

Never has a film so aptly fit a definition as The Losers do “contrived.”

Generally speaking, nuance is the preferred method of review for Big Screen Peter. Unfortunately, after watching this particular film, that gentility must be tossed out the window. The film was dumb. How dumb? The kind of dumb that doesn’t realize there is a silent “b” at the end of the word dumb. The type of dumb that is confused by the meaning of the word perplexed — which, coincidentally enough, perfectly summarizes my state of mind whilst contemplating the mystery of how this film was ever created in the first place.

My perplexity was eventually settled once the credits ran. “The Losers” is based off a comic book. Quelle coincidence! Perhaps I run the risk of sounding like a broken and curmudgeonly record, but comics are officially Hollywood’s special stash — the bag of candy hidden in a junk drawer. Who needs to concoct a healthy meal when there’s a bag of M&M’s just sitting there, ready to consume as is and no questions asked? Much like some of the questionable women in my past, the scripts are cheap and easy.

With this broadsided brutality out of the way, let’s take a closer look. The titular Losers are a special forces group sent on a fairly ho-hum mission to liquidate a drug smuggler/terrorist in Bolivia. This seemingly easy mission becomes particularly complicated and as a result of these complications, the group is saved from a scheme to knock them off (the reason why is just one of the many inane plot mysteries). As a result, Colonel Clay (Jeffrey Dean Morgan) is forced to lay low in Bolivia with the rest of his squad.

And it was no real surprise to find that this squad was completely comprised of caricatures. There’s the quirky tech geek (Chris Evans as Jensen), the silent killer (Oscar Jaenada as Cougar), and the family oriented gear head (Columbus Short as Pooch). Idris Elba completes the ensemble as Roque, an antagonistic foil to Clay’s caring leader. As the group adapts to life in Bolivia, Aisha (Zoe Saldana) mysteriously enters the fold offering a chance at redemption and revenge.

While by no means stellar, the cast was seemingly solid. Elba appeared to great acclaim in the best television series ever (if you’ve seen it, you know), while Morgan and Jaenada are both veteran actors of some note. The players are all thwarted by a sub-par script. Everything is over the top, brutishly overt. Even the supple sarcasm of super villain Max (Jason Patric) falls flat throughout.

If there was one saving grace, it was the direction. Which, I have to admit, was a shock. Sylvain White’s previous experience was helming gems like “Stomp the Yard,” “I‘ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer,” and “Trois 3: The Escort.” To his credit, however, the film’s cinematography actually paid ample homage to the origins of the film. I was struck by the notion that “The Losers” would have worked much better as a silent film. Resting solely on aesthetics and the forward movement of action, it’s a salvageable film. Scenes were generally gripping and stylishly cut. Unfortunately, no matter how you dress a turkey, if the bird’s bad, the trimmings won’t save it.

• The Losers is playing at the Carmike 14 and the Malco Cinema 12 in Fort Smith, and the Malco Van Buren Cinema. Link here for time and ticket info.

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