Peter finds a happy meal at the hospital

review and photos by Peter Lewis

In many societies, hoaxes can only be played before the noon hour on April 1st. If you’re little ruse occurs afterwards, the perpetrator of the ruse becomes the fool.

Now that it is well past noon on April Fool’s Day, am I even more of a fool for suggesting that a certain cafeteria in Fort Smith should be the location for your dining pleasure on Friday evening? Beauty, like Kinky said, just might be “in the eye of the beer holder.” Taste, however, is most certainly in the mouth of the fork holder so do not rush to judgment.

HOSPITAL FOOD AND BEER
On the other hand, you might need to rush over to get a chance to judge. Although they might bring order to the mania of the medical milieu, who is to say that the folks in Alpharetta know good hospital food? So, sick relative or not, before they have a chance to muck up the cheeseburgers and cobbler, head down to Sparks Hospital at 1001 Towson Ave. for an opportunity to sample an affordable meal at the cafeteria. If you aren’t sure how to get there once inside, just take the elevator to the basement and stop anyone in scrubs for directions.

Much like any other cafeteria in our great land, this particular establishment is a shining paragon of the bounty we all enjoy. From the salad bar and made to order BLTs to chicken cordon bleu and creamed spinach, the cafeteria is the quintessential example of our national attempt to please every diner, no matter their taste buds.

Upon entering the cafeteria you might notice it is fairly empty. In another locale this might give the discerning diner pause, but at Sparks you can rest assured it is because the men and women of the fine hospital are busy helping people. Forge through the doors, but don’t forget to sanitize your hands! Hygiene being a particular concern was admittedly a bit of a departure from some of the other establishments I choose to frequent. Don’t let this deter you, however. I didn’t and am a better person as a result.

When dining in a cafeteria, be it Furr’s, Luby’s or your local hospital, choosing your meal is a tough task. One most always be cognizant of when a particular item was put under that heat lamp or on top of the steam table (a “secret” of the industry is that this staple of the cafeterias and caterers is also widely utilized in “actual” restaurant kitchens as well in order to save on prep time).

Fortunately, the highlight of Sparks is the made to order sandwiches. So, unless you are particularly enticed by the chicken strips or the lemon pepper catfish lying in front of you, order a bacon cheeseburger. Nothing beats active artery clogging in a hospital. To throw any roaming cardiologists off your track, after you load up on the mashed potatoes and macaroni, scoot back to the salad bar for some roughage. Not only will the salad please your taste buds, I imagine it would also please the resident gastroenterologist.

Price is one of the key selling points at Sparks. Two sides, bacon cheeseburger, and a side salad (depending on weight) only set you back about six bucks. Many “finer” dining joints would be draining you for twice that. It is cash only, so plan accordingly.
   
After you finish your meal, be sure to bus your table and return your tray. Find your way back outside to the real world. To help ease the effects of the meal on your body (and perhaps your future evening plans as well), go ahead and walk across the street to Anna’s Hilltop. This low ceilinged bar is what the inimitable proprietor of the Posse East, J.V. Cook, would refer to as a “beer joint.” And that, friend, is no slap. It’s a damn fine compliment. With cheap beer, a crowd of blue collar regulars, a pool table, and a jukebox you really can’t go wrong at Anna’s Hilltop.

7 out of 10 on the Petermeter Scale of Adventure

CHAIN FOOD AND EXERCISE
If the thought of burgers and beer on a Friday evening send you into a terribly tizzy, why not skip down to Panera bread at 74th Street and Rogers? Despite the negative connotations some folks have for “chain” restaurants, this chain has it down pat. With paninis, soups, salads, and enough baked goods to please both Marie-Antoinette and those rabid revolutionaries, Panera is certainly a reputable decision for your evening.

Dinner will be split between two in this particular meal plan. Fasten the courage to ask out that special someone for a nice picnic dinner. While some might like to do the cooking themselves, everyone is not equally adept in the kitchen. And we’d hate to set a bad precedent with that special someone. So, instead why don’t you head to Panera and order the Bacon Turkey Bravo (it’s a bacon kind of night, right?), the grilled chicken Caesar salad, and of course something for dessert. For this, the most important part of every meal, try the Very Chocolate Brownie. Of course I’m somewhat of a rabid chocolate lover, my idea of dessert always revolves around something involving that glorious gift from the Great Gopher in the Sky, the cacao bean. So, if you’d prefer something a little less … wonderful (aka, something not involving chocolate), then try a few of the delicate shortbread cookies. Just remember, we’re getting all of this to go.  And thankfully you should be getting all of it for less than $20.

Right down the street at 1601 S. 74th is Carol Ann Cross Park. Panera sack in hand, stake out a nice spot of your choosing within the park’s premises. I’m never one to openly advocate the violation of any of the tenets in our fine legal code. That said, a slight tipple in the park is never a bad thing. Discretion is, however, always important.  We would never want to offend our other park guests nor the enforcers of the legal/moral codes of our town. As such, perhaps it would be wise to prepare some sort of concealing canister with which to house your champagne. A little snifter of sparkling wine is a always a fine way to begin a meal.

Once you’ve polished off the vino and vittles, why not stretch it out with a touch of exercise? Those infallible meteorologists are confident Friday will offer a warm evening with “abundant sunshine.” They’re also claiming that the sun will be out until almost 8 p.m. Grab a ball and glove, and warm up the old wing. Summer is coming.

5 out of 10 on the Petermeter Scale of Adventure

Know your Peter
Born and raised in Fort Smith, Peter Lewis is a graduate of the University of Texas. Prior to returning to the Fort Smith area, Peter spent the a year as a bartender living abroad and traveling. For Earth Day, he conserved energy by shooting out street lights all over town.

Contact Peter at [email protected]