Big Screen Peter: Don’t rent these movies in 2011

Editor’s note: Peter Lewis has agreed to use whatever it is you call his writing style to provide some measure of analysis to those folks who still go to a theater to see a movie.

review by Peter Lewis

As the year quickly comes to a close, I’ve been asked to take stock of the theater releases I reviewed each week. From the 40+ cast of contenders, I’ve culled a list of 11 rentals to avoid in 2011.

11. The Other Guys
The film is, quite simply, a jumbled mess. While there are a few laughs to be had, particularly the opening sequence, there is no true aim to this film. Upon finishing the film, there is nothing more than a perplexed confusion at having to suffer through such an inane exercise of film making.

10. Skyline
Skyline’s narrative featured a coherent sense of reality that is often missing in many other science fiction films. Unfortunately, it fails in most other aspects of film making. The coup de (dis)grace for this forgettable film was the horrendous ending sequence, where our seemingly defeated hero is perfectly propped and primed for a cringe-worthy sequel sure to come.

9. Love and Other Drugs
There is no way around it: Jake Gyllenhall and Anne Hathaway are gorgeous people. And if the film solely focused on their tender beauty, perhaps it may have worked. Instead, viewers received a trite film with overblown existential pretensions and an unbearable level of misogyny.

8. The Losers
If anything illustrates the lackluster power of cliché and caricature, it’s “The Losers.” In a slight fit of unbridled rage, I referred to this film as the “kind of dumb that doesn’t realize there is a silent “b” at the end of the word dumb.” I went on to disparage the film, old acquaintances and about everything else in plain sight. It must have been a rough Monday, for this film infuriated me at the time. In retrospect, I was a bit harsh, perhaps. While it was by no means good, the film had a few redeeming qualities — namely the cinematography. But no amount of aesthetic pleasure could save “The Losers” from itself.

7. The Book of Eli
After suffering through many different variations of the same performance, I’ve largely sworn off films featuring Denzel Washington (if you’re interested in seeing what I mean, check out Jay Pharoah’s recent take on SNL). Even without Denzel’s machinations, the film is an exercise in both obviousness and stylized violence. Oh, and with that bad acting thing to boot.

6. The Wolfman
Yikes! This one was tough to sit through. While the film featured a modicum of sustained tension early in the film as the plot was built, all was lost the moment they showed us the beast. Making matters worse, the film featured a total lack of chemistry between the players.

5. Resident Evil: Afterlife
The latest installment of the Resident Evil franchise is potentially successful, if viewed solely as bloodthirsty spectacle. Otherwise, if you plan on viewing this one, you’ll want to toss logic out the window. Even for a pubescent fantasy, the film features a staggering lack of coherence.

4. Clash of the Titans
Even with the special effects and crazy big monsters, this film was a failure. The casting decisions were uninspired, the direction horrendous and the plot simply vomit-worthy. From top to bottom, this film was an unbearable experience.

3. Legion
If there was a film featuring more action or general mayhem, I missed it. While disappointing, it was, of course, a bit of a necessity given the horrible acting involved in this project (apart from Paul Bettany, that is). The entire cast is treated as caricatures meant to build a bridge of emotional investment with the audience. Instead, one is happy to see them killed if for nothing else than to have one less insufferable actor on the screen.

2. You Again
Sweet Lord, was this one a depressor. Ostensibly set up as a comedy — and featuring strong veteran actors — “You Again” was instead an exercise in disjointed misogyny and schlocky values. Not only that, it held absolutely no laughs. And if it weren’t for the winner of my personal list, it would have been the most depressing 90 minutes I spent all year.

1. When in Rome
There was nothing that could have saved this film. It was ridiculous, unintelligible and disgustingly sentimental. In fact, I can’t even find the negative words that might aptly befit the film. Instead, as I think back to the film, I’m just left with pressing questions: How can creations that paint women in such negative light be so loved and well-attended by females? Is there cold comfort in having one’s behavior reinforced through cinema? Are the characters that I view as negative portrayals actually seen as flawed, but lovable?

If you have the answers, please let me know. In the meantime, don’t rent any of the aforementioned movies. Seriously.

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