You’ve got pledges

Folks seeking political office continue to pledge things to us. Or on our behalf. Most are pledges to remind us who does and does not want to harm babies to help Wall Street. Or vice versa.

Don’t recall a request for a big pledge, other than for some Interstate 49 money — of which none is found in all the recent pledging. Which is like being a kid at Christmas and asking for an Estes model rocket and the big “Space 1999” ship and moon base and instead getting underwear and a small snap-together model of Pappy Boyington’s “Baa Baa Black Sheep” F-4U Corsair.

Remember when House Speaker Nancy Pelosi pledged in 2007 her party would be the most ethical and fiscally responsible? We got underwear instead. Dirty underwear.

The national GOP recently issued a Pledge to America, which advocates returning to the principles “proclaimed in the Declaration of Independence” and being against “self-appointed elites” and an “overreaching judiciary.” The pledge comes with pocket cards so that when the Republicans are in power, you’ll have a handy way to check off all the pledges they break. Expect more dirty underwear. Except from the Republicans, it will be silk Brooks Brothers boxers or a nice lacy — but curiously stained — Camille Hipster panty that would undermine the precious support of “traditional marriages” if Mrs. Senator So-and-So were to find them while trying to find a place to hide the sweet and eager young Hispanic maid when members of the polo club arrive earlier than expected.

And Jim Keet, the Republican who wants to unseat Gov. Mike Beebe, recently issued a list of 10 pledges to Arkansas. Can’t say as I remember any specifics, but am willing to bet he’s against whatever it is the national Democrats are for, and he’s for good things for Arkansas, like more jobs, better schools and a Razorback basketball team able to get past the first round of the NCAA tournament.

Not wanting to be outright left out, The City Wire staff and ownership recently spent the better part of an hour drafting a list of pledges we’ll make in the event this pledging stuff goes viral. You never know when a group of half-stoned high school juniors in California will begin a Saturday morning creating a “Pledgebook” web site and become fully-stoned billionaires before the weekend expires.

Here now is The City Wire Pledge To Those Who Pledge To Only Pledge Support To People Or Companies Who Issue Self-Serving Pledges.
• There will be no panic at The City Wire if we enter a La Nina winter weather pattern. All bets are off, however, if it turns out to be one of them damned El Nino patterns.

• Only a small portion of any lottery monies won by any staffers or owners of The City Wire will be spent on unethical or blatantly illegal activities.

• Continue we will with our leftover food-eating policy of “Don’t ask, don’t smell.”

• If we get the power to raise taxes, we’ll go up about 17.6% with them sumbitches who get in the grocery-store express line with way more than 20 items.

• If we ever get the chance to have a state-provided car, you can bet the farm we’ll drive it like a cheap rental, with every green light a NASCAR start and every red light a dare.

• We pledge to promote the broad legalization of marijuana for medical use. The second thing is to broadly define medical use to include “headaches” and “ Because it’s (enter any day of the week here).”

• Until we get the national deficit under control, the national anthem will be changed to AC/DC’s “Highway to Hell.”

• Every third Harvard graduate (listed alphabetically) working for the federal government gets a pink slip. Ditto for Yale graduates.

• We’ll pass legislation to make it official that the David Allan Coe song — you know the one — is indeed the perfect country-western song.

• Failed newspaper companies or those about to fail will be provided incentive funds to turn their parking lots into solar array collector fields. This pledge could get expensive.

• We pledge that any coaches or players who credit God or any other Deity for their individual or team victory will automatically forfeit the game.

• If we sponsor a Celebrity Classic, there will be a guarantee that you’ve heard of at least 50% of the non-Razorback-football affiliated “celebrities” who attend.

• We promise to frequently remind ourselves that when the government wants to legislate who we may and may not take to bed, the government screws the Constitution.

• If we pledge something odd, costly or potentially illegal or unethical, just remember we are doing it for the children.

• In the event we fail to follow through on the aforementioned pledges, we pledge to use the traditional media and other willing and unprincipled outlets to blame our political opponents, Hollywood liberals, country club Republicans and a litany of arcane procedural Congressional rules for bailing on our pledge.

Like many of the pledges from politicians, we may or may not have the legal authority to make or pursue the pledges we have pledged. Also, we recommend an emergency room visit for any pledge lasting more than four hours beyond the late evening/early morning of Nov. 2-3.