On spending Beebe’s money

There was a time Gov. Mike Beebe’s popularity rating was so high that to find folks who didn’t like him or know him required a trip to Kazakhstan.

“Mikhail, who? Nyet. Last man named Mikhail destroy Soviet Union. Nyet!” says an imaginary citizen of Kazakhstan who storms off in disgust to manage his mail-order bride business.

But then the Democrats in Washington did this thing with health care and tried to push a climate bill and card check and then ran up a deficit the size of the inner solar system. Being a Democrat, Beebe slipped in election surveys when compared to Republican Jim Keet. The surveys suggested that if Santa Claus were running as a Democrat and the Garrison Avenue bridge was running as Republican, 63% of the reindeer — led by Donner and Blitzen — would carry “The bridge won’t raise your taxes” signs.

But then Keet appeared confused as to when he did or did not move back to Arkansas and open a restaurant. That confusion carried over to his tax obligations, with Keet suggesting that his wife did or did not keep up with his tax obligations, or that his business advisors did or did not remind him about whether to assess his airplane in Arkansas or Florida. Or Nevada. Or maybe Kazakhstan. It was that confusing.

On Friday, the nice folks at Stephens Media released a survey indicating Beebe leading Keet 54%-33% among 625 likely voters.

Not only is Beebe back on top of the polls, but campaign finance reports released this past week show he has almost $2.5 million in “cash on hand.”

Keet has $9,803.

Seriously. Beebe has almost $2.5 million. Keet has just $9,803 more in campaign cash than you and I and we haven’t spent the last seven months asking folks for campaign money.

It’s possible that Beebe will have up to $3 million to spend on his re-election campaign between now and Nov. 2 — which means he could spend $500,000 a week and zero out his account on Nov. 2.

But it’s difficult to spend that much money a week in the Arkansas media market. There are a limited number of television, radio and website spots. Also, how much does Beebe need to spend now that he has a 21-point margin? This ain’t Oklahoma football, so it’s doubtful Beebe possesses an uncontrollable urge to run up the score on a weaker opponent.

So what should Beebe do with the money he can’t — or doesn’t need to — spend?

The City Wire conducted a scientific poll of several folks who may or may not have been sober to determine the most responsible and/or likely things Beebe may do with his post-Nov. 2 campaign cash. We are proud to release the top 10 results from that survey. (Other media outlets are free to reprint or otherwise reuse this insightful and expertly-researched survey data.)

Top 10 things Gov. Mike Beebe might do with millions in leftover campaign cash.
10. Undergo a sex change and run for Governor in 2014 as Esmerelda Jo Beebe.

9. Support a secession movement and become Arkansas’ first president.

8. Begin his secret passion to become a professional wrestler and work under the name, “The Amagon Assassin.”

7. Begin his other secret passion and become a Dean Martin impersonator. (Morril Harriman will be part of the act, portraying Sammy Davis Jr.)

6. Buy prime “cash crop” property in Newton County.

5. Produce and host an Oprah-like talk show on AETN, with all audience members at the first show receiving $1,000 gift certificates to Bass Pro Shop or the Wal-Mart lingerie section.

4. Help pay any other tax “errors” owed by Jim Keet.

3. Re-imagine and re-open Dogpatch.

2. Get a decent haircut.

1. Buy out the owners of The City Wire and turn off the switch on that nonsensical website.