The end is near(er)

Editor’s note: This essay, written by Michael Tilley, first ran in the Times Record back in 2007. You can link here to the TR version.

Please accept what follows as an apology for being so danged serious all these years.

This space has been used to encourage folks to work harder to improve the socio-economic realities in the Fort Smith region; question why our Congress won’t fix Social Security; bemoan the state’s inability/unwillingness to get serious about boosting average income levels and matriculation rates; wonder why every street in Fort Smith is a bike route; complain about the lack of progress at Lake Fort Smith State Park; and question the odd beast that is an Arkansas county government.

On more than one occasion I was told to pipe down because there are many things going on behind the scenes in a lot of areas in which I don’t understand. Little did I realize the great and troubling truth these great and troubled political and business leaders carried.

It seems that improvement doesn’t matter because civilization as we know it will expire in 2012. The “I Ching” and Mayan calendars point to Dec. 21, 2012, as the end of the world. While this is hard to believe, the revelation was well documented in a show on The History Channel. Or maybe it was the Discovery Channel. Either way, it was a television show that few people watch because it has nothing to do with funny home videos or celebrities adopting African children.

Also, details of this troubling truth are all over the Internet — a fact that gives it more credibility.

If the world is to end in about five years, why worry with Social Security? Why bother to move with smart and focused expediency to bring better jobs to the Fort Smith area? And a bike route will be of little importance — except maybe to the most ardent proponent of reducing greenhouse emissions — when civilization is crumbling.

Here’s the deal. Ethnobotanists and fractal time experts Terrence and Dennis McKenna developed the Mandelbrot fractal, which is a number device that creates time patterns that match well with historic events. According to one of the Web sites brave enough to post this startling truth: “By matching the levels of the pattern with key periods in history, they determined it would fit best if the end of the time scale was December 21, 2012.”

Independent researcher John Jenkins wrote “Maya Cosmogenesis 2012,” a book that explains how our sun will align with the center of the Milky Way on Dec. 21, 2012. This alignment will likely open “a door into the heart of space and time,” at which time “the cosmos will be reborn or recreated.” The last time this happened is about the time the Neanderthal mysteriously disappeared and the Cro-Magnon man mysteriously appeared.

While Web sites differ on what will happen on this date, the consensus of Web authors on the subject agree that it will not be a pleasant day. (And because a consensus of scientists is all we need to support global warming, it seems fair to make the same application in this end-of-time explanation.)

Somewhere around Dec. 21, 2012, there will be a great shift in the earth’s polarity that will cause the earth’s inner layers to rotate inside the earth’s crust, meaning that Alaska will lie at the equator and all those folks who left colder climates for Florida will wake up with penguins in their palm trees. What’s worse, the Cowboys could find their new stadium in Pittsburgh. (At great risk of pointing out the obvious, the polarity shift will be caused by the alignment of the earth and sun with a black hole that lies at the center of our Milky Way galaxy.)

To be sure, this rotation will mark the end of civilization as we know it. The complete shift of continents, oceans and Starbucks stores will bring an end to food production, medicines and Internet porn.

There are a few folks who are aware of the fact we have just a few years to enjoy our iPods, self-absorbed/ill-informed lives and cookie dough blasts from Sonic.

There are the Freemasons, who have key roles in governments and secret organizations around the world. They know everything. Want more proof that the behind-the-scenes string-pullers know that good government isn’t important with the end of the world just around the corner? Look at the presidential candidates of both parties.

This great shift also is the reason colleges haven’t fixed the system by which we determine the top college football team. Why fix something that won’t matter? Ever wonder why Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton behave like there is no tomorrow?

And there’s the marketing. Nothing is legitimate until it’s properly marketed. Well, some of the 2012 Web sites are selling “Shift Happens” T-shirts.

Also, Men At Work, the popular Australian band that enjoyed commercial success in the 1980s, is aware of the 2012 calamity, and first hinted at it in their 1982 hit song, “Down Under.”
“Do you come from a land down under?
“Where women glow and men plunder?
“Can’t you hear, can’t you hear the thunder?
“You better run, you better take cover.”

Take cover indeed!

Men At Work spelled backward is “Krowtanem,” which sounds very similar to a Mayan name. Also, reversing the band’s initials spells WAM, which will be the last sound civilization hears when the earth’s polarity decides to change dance partners. As if that is not enough proof, the name “Men At Work,” has nine letters. Nine is divisible by three. So are all the numbers in the date of the end of the world. Do the math.

And do some thinking.

Drunk astronauts.

A 50-pound ice chunk falling mysteriously into Jan Kenkel’s home in Dubuque, Iowa.

FEMA.

Sanjaya.

Oscar the Cat, who lives in a Chicago-area nursing home, and who has visited the bedside of 25 residents who then died a few hours later.

Rosie’s mouth.

Donald’s hair.

Hillary’s cleavage.

Bush’s strategery.

These things clearly point to the odd energy that is building around the not-too-distant future when our sun aligns with the center of the Milky Way and we become the new Neanderthals; the new cave men. (This is end-of-time stuff is so obvious a cave man can figure it out.)

Some folks say the shift will be of consciousness rather than of continents; that we will all, according to one of the many December 21, 2012 web sites, “experience clarity of mind, emotional aliveness and physical health. … Linear time as we know it will end and Earth will enter a new, higher dimension.” Apparently, we’ll all be trust-fund babies with four-day weekends and unlimited access to spa treatments and muscle relaxers — you know, like a U.S. senator.

But the clarity of mind and higher dimension stuff is too touchy-feely, and gives the impression that we’ll all be stoned herbally rather than stoned tectonically — meaning the earth will not end with a bang, but with a bong.

Either way, there’s no reason to be concerned about the future of your community, country or planet of origin.

So relax. Invest in survival gear. And, just in case, stock up on potato chips and other munchies.