Riff Raff: Observations, a holy eclipse, downtown Springdale, and unacceptable art

This upcoming eclipse is not a normal cosmic event. It’s biblical. This eclipse is followed by another seven years later. The eclipse paths cross in Missouri over the New Madrid Fault. It’s the end days. Tribulation. Fire and fury like we’ve never seen. Chaos. No college football. The earth will shake and day will turn to night, the Revelator foretold. Ya’ll better get right with baby Jesus. When does that medical marijuana become available?

Speaking of historic events, recently enrolled in a Trump University history course. Fascinating stuff. It seems much of the history they pushed during my years at Arkansas Tech University was bogus. For example, did you know General John J. “Cracker Jack” MacPattonhower was found when he was a baby in a little boat made of reeds and bingo cards and raised by a Barbie princess? He was famous for yelling “I have not yet begun to fire and fury all up in this bitch,” while storming the shores of Montezuma and capturing the balls of Tripoli. The fight was won when he turned to Sgt. York and said, “You may fire when ready, Gridley!” York, not knowing who the hell Gridley was and not really caring, began firing his very bigly American-made golf ball shooter until the British began runnin’ down the Mississippi to the Gulf of Texaco.

That’s how we won the Battle of the Emancipation Promulgation, and freed the whales who were all held at some place with a Gettysburg address. The final score was 20 to 4, or something like that. Unfortunately, only four fathers survived. There was blame on many sides, and many sides to the blame.

Next week we study the Crusades and how the Mormonites and Carpetbaggers captured Jerusalem and the suburbs of Lusitania, sending the Kardashians into the wilderness on a 40-day, 40-night trek that took 40 years. Somehow during those years they discovered the first 10 constitutional amendments and the forward pass.

• That’s some past history. Let’s talk about some future history. Let’s talk about Springdale. Downtown Springdale.

If you get a chance, take some time to walk Emma Avenue in downtown Springdale. Maybe wait until late September when road work is complete, but put it on your calendar. You can thank me later.

They were late to the game of downtown renovation, but folks in Springdale are damn sure catching up. Turnbow Park, coffee shops, local brewery pubs, new and diverse restaurants, renovation of a classic old movie theater, and a clever inset of corporate offices for Tyson Foods are just some of the welcoming attractions in the heart of a blue-collar town that just a few years ago was about to fade to black. Having the Razorback Greenway run through the area certainly doesn’t hurt. And it doesn’t hurt, and shouldn’t be a surprise, that a few Walton family members have a few dollars in the downtown revitalization. Folks may also give a hat tip to an aggressive and collaborative mayor.

As he always does, Ed Clifford, CEO of the Jones Center for Families located in the downtown area, put a fine point on what we should know about the area.

“Springdale right now is not indicative of what Springdale will be a year from now, two years from now, or three years from now. We’re getting ourselves ready to handle lots of people.”

Have known Ed for years. Never known him to be wrong. Y’all get ready.

• Let’s talk about all that silly art in downtown Fort Smith. “The Unexpected Project” in downtown Fort Smith has for three years now brought in international artists to create really odd murals and sculptures and other stuff one might expect in cities where the uberliberals live – you know, the type of flag-hatin’ liberals who stick their pinky out when they drink wine and talk about the genius of Picasso and Pollock like those two guys were anything more than drugged-out doodlers.

It should be called “The Unacceptable Project” because that kind art – moles, alien rats, foxes made of car parts and other nonsense that appeals only to atheists and lesbian college professors – ain’t what Fort Smith is about.

We have a history. A heritage. This city was built on controlling the red savages and clearing a path for manifest destiny. So, with the God of John Rogers as our guide, we at Talk Business next year will advocate for art that represents our true heritage and history. We plan to lobby for art and sculptures that capture misogyny, Native American subjugation, black oppression, whores, pre-union worker abuse, separate justice systems for whites and minorities, and segregated housing, education, and medicine.

Yes, the whores. We once had a booming prostitution industry on the riverfront. Those were secure jobs. You can’t outsource that. Next year the alleged art experts with “The Unexpected” should include a mural dedicated to hookers. An hour or less of a young lady’s time should be remembered no less than the last few seconds of a criminals life at the gallows in Fort Smith. A big part of our heritage is about justice and whores. Deadly gallows and dirty gals. Hangings and hookers.

The folks are clamoring for heritage. Let’s give it to ‘em good and hard.