The sound of politics

Wondering how to respond to this idiocy-bordering-on-insanity that emerges hourly from Washington DeeCee like moldy-oatmeal looking detritus from a deeply infected and open brown recluse bite wound? With a mixed tape. Yes, seriously. Lemme explain.

Anyone older than 40 – or maybe 35 – remembers the days when we’d mark an important event or life phase or help pass periods of complete freaking boredom by making a mixed tape – a cassette with songs that carried a specific theme.

This was serious business, too, requiring a commitment of time and resources – with the resources primarily being the “borrowed” cassette tape collection of a friend or two. You had to have a blank tape and – and this was the tricky part – a tape player with two cassette decks.

Manual work this was, also. Stop. Play. Stop. Rewind. Crap, rewound too far. Fast forward. Rewind again to get all of Eddie’s guitar riff prior to “Runnin’ with the Devil.” Make sure the blank tape was queued up with the magnetic tape portion showing. Didn’t want to record the first song only to find out later that it took five seconds for the tape to begin recording. Ozzy’s “Crazy Train” loses a lot if you miss those first few seconds. Then you have to figure out the time of the songs to fit the length of the blank tape you were using.

And this was typically a half-day project. This was long before you dragged and dropped in less than 30 seconds a few songs from your iTunes account into your device-of-choice for your morning run to Starbucks or for the charity 5K to save the planet or for the trip for your dog to have a play date with a cute little dachshund at the dog park.

The time and energy and thought involved meant that everyone knew, for chrissakes, that this was a real honor to be given a mixed tape. Maybe the tape was for that new girlfriend/boyfriend. Or the ex girlfriend/boyfriend, with themes that range from glad you’re gone to wish you’d come back. The tape could be for several of your friends to help remember a fun summer. Maybe you made a tape for that good friend who lied for you when school officials were asking fresh questions about who rearranged all the books in the school library. Not that anything like that ever happened, but, just, you know, maybe, as an example.

With all that as background, let’s talk about what songs we’d put on a mixed tape destined for the petulant posturing peckerwoods in charge of our bloated and dysfunctional federal government. The songs on this mixed tape will primarily represent our frustration with these folks and the direction of this country if said peckerwoods continue to pecker.

We’ll need two tapes. The first tape would be required just to include appropriate songs from AC/DC, Zeppelin and Johnny Cash.

With AC/DC we have a wide array of choices. There is, of course, “Highway to Hell,” and “Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap” and “Deep in the Hole” and “Sin City” and “Guns for Hire” and “Got You By The Balls.” Just to name a few.

Zeppelin choices would include “Communication Breakdown,” “The Song Remains The Same.” “Dazed and Confused,” and “How Many More Times.”

With Mr. Cash (songs sung and not necessarily written by the Man in Black) we have “Dirty Old Egg-Sucking Hound,” “Cry, Cry, Cry,” “Bad News” and “Ring of Fire.” The interstate beltway around Washington is certainly a Ring of Fire. We also get a little-known tune sung by Cash, “The One on the Right is on the Left.” A section of the lyrics about a folk band informs:
“They were long on musical ability
Folks thought they would go far
But political incompatibility led to their downfall

“Well, the one on the right was on the left
And the one in the middle was on the right
And the one on the left was in the middle
And the guy in the rear was a Methodist”

Our list of possible songs for the second tape is lengthy. Let’s review the choices.

The opening salvo could be Cee Lo Green’s “F*&% You.” We follow that with “Lost Due to Incompetence” from Cheech and Chong.

“We are changing from a code 3 direct pursuit, to a code 347 – completely lost due to incompetence,” Police Sgt. Stedenko says in the song.

Somewhere we have to include “Land of Confusion” from Genesis. Ditto for “Hell No, I Ain’t Happy,” by the Drive-by Truckers. Certainly must use Ozzy’s “Crazy Train.”

And we switch back to a country tune with Dwight Yoakam’s “I’d Avoid Me Too.”
“I've heard tell people say
I'm half worth nothin' at all
While that may not be true
Dead to rights
It sure ain't landin' far wrong.”

Then we jump back to some early 1990s metal rock with Guns & Roses and “Double Talkin’ Jive.”

Can’t forget John Fogerty and “It Ain’t Right.”
“Maybe you forgot how we live down here
People work hard for their money, dear
You had such a hard day lookin at the mirror
It aint right, it aint right, honey, such a waste of life”

Other choices include:
“American Idiot” – Green Day
“Round and Round” – Ratt
“Hit the road Jack” – Ray Charles
“Let’s Go Crazy” – Prince
“We’re Not Gonna Take It” – Twisted Sister
“Dumb All Over” – Frank Zappa
“Idiots Rule” – Jane’s Addiction
“Screamin’ In The Night” – Krokus
“You Know I’m No Good” – Amy Winehouse
“Things That Fail” – I Can Lick Any Sonofabitch In The House (twofer with this one)

We might include an Eagles tune, but not one of the classics. “Frail Grasp on the Big Picture” is from their latest release.
“Well, ain't it a shame
That our short little memories
Never seem to learn
The message of history
We keep makin' the same mistakes
Over and over and over and over again
And then we wonder why
We're in the shape we're in”

And because my religion, tax-exempt tithing and its associated politics are way way way  way way more better than your silly-ass uber-liberal/right-wing nuttery religion and its misguided politics, we must include the Austin Lounge Lizards’ classic, “Jesus Loves Me (but he can’t stand you).”
“I'm going straight to heaven, boys, when I die,
'cause I've crossed every T and I've dotted every I
Why, my preacher tells me I'm God's kind of guy,
That's why Jesus loves me, but you're gonna fry.”

The tape sent to President Obama would include a note that if he liked the tape and was happy with the songs on his tape, he could keep it.