High on Jesus

Let’s fire this sucker up with a question for the Christians out there.

What was your take on Nik Wallenda’s constant pleading for Jesus’ protection and grace and wind-calming abilities and whatnot? Or, in other words, did the Jesus of the Bible die on The Cross so that the Discovery Channel and other sponsors could pay Wallenda a big check to traipse across the “Grand Canyon” on a wire?

There was some sentiment in the Fort Smith branch of the Tilley family that asking for divine favor during such a stunt borders on taking advantage of a relationship, like being married to a banker and expecting him/her to cover for you when you write a check that is bigger than the balance. And then doing it again. And again. “Golly, gosh, honey, thanks for changing that account balance. I just want to thank you.”

It also seemed symbolic of the history of American religion – less than 100% honest in the marketing, and somewhat inconsiderate of others. Which is to say that Wallenda’s crossing was over a tributary that feeds into the Grand Canyon and not the real geologic masterpiece, and some Native Americans complained that Wallenda’s event and entourage affiliated with his manifest destiny walk violated their sacred grounds.

But there was Wallenda, stepping out over a big-ass canyon that would be fatal from a fall even if it wasn’t THE Grand Canyon. Within seconds of what must have been his “oh-shit” moment he began soliciting divine support.

“Winds are way worse than expected,” Wallenda said less than one-quarter into the walk about 1,500-foot above the canyon floor.

“Praise you Jesus.”

Kept wondering when he would sing “Just a closer walk with thee.”

“Thank you, Lord.”

“Golly, wind. Go away, in the name of Jesus. Thank you, Lord. Thank you for calming that cable, Lord. Oh, yeah. That's my savior. That's Jesus.”

As to the wind, one can picture Jesus was strolling down one of them golden streets explaining to Einstein the missing variable in his formula and the Archangel Michael is all like, “Hey, Lord, this guy on Earth is having some problem with winds and wants your help.”

“Where are the winds?” says the Lord, who already knows the answer of course, but being a Lord who is attuned to the latest theories in empowering employees understands the need to provide a purpose to valuable team members.

“They would be the winds whipping around some of the canyons near the Grand Canyon,” the Archangel Michael proudly responds, but knowing that the Lord already knows the answer and knows that the Lord knows that he realizes the Lord already knows the answer. It can be tough working for the son of an all-knowing deity.

“Well, I put the winds down the middle of these canyons because I never dreamed some derned fool would be out in the middle of them,” sayeth the Lord, who was just pulling the Archangel Michael’s leg because he, being the Lord, knew some idiot would eventually push his luck on national television for the promise of a big paycheck.

“And one other thing, Lord. Joel Osteen is there,” the Archangel Michael said with a wince, knowing the Lord knew Osteen was there but also knew that his job was to inform the Lord that Osteen was there because he knew that the Lord knew he knew that Osteen was there. Again, it can be tough working for the son of an all-knowing deity.

“Osteen! That sonofa … That guy has made this job more difficult ever since he began to tell folks that wealth and success is what I’m about instead of the ‘love-thy-neighbor’ message I thought we had all agreed was THE modus operandi for at least a few thousand years,” noted a Lord who was also frustrated about the Dallas Cowboys and celebrity nip slips.

But that’s just me. That’s me having a dysfunctional view of Deities and daredevils and daredevils who dare to bedevil Deities with deadly dramas over disturbing distances.

I jumped to Facebook to seek perspective beyond my biases. The questions posed previously was posed to some folks on Facebook: “What was your take on Nik Wallenda’s constant pleading for Jesus’ protection and grace and wind-calming abilities and whatnot? Or, in other words, did the Jesus of the Bible die on The Cross so that the Discovery Channel and other sponsors could pay Wallenda a big check to traipse across the Grand Canyon on a wire?”

Here are some of the answers.
• “I am, in general, not much of a fan of Bible-thumpers and Jesus freaks but, while I found it mildly offensive, I don't think you can blame the guy for praying while up there.”

• “Besides all the money he received from doing such a stupid thing, it almost seemed that he was using the attention to 'spread the word,' if you will. I'm a Christian, but I thought his constant pleas were a bit much.”

• “Just my two cents, but if the man had any God given sense, he'd of stayed on the ground.”

• “What if he had fell. Would that have been God's fault?”

• “I think that God gives us a brain, some brains are smarter than others…”

My favorite answer was this: “I think that if a man loves his family, he's not gonna take risks like that … no safety precaution is just stupid and mean to your loved ones, whether he's praying or not … I've always said that being a Christ follower doesn't all of a sudden make you smart.”

For the seminary students out there, one of the respondents simply noted: “Matthew 4:7”

That’s where the Lord responded to the temptations of Satan by noting, “It is written again, You shall not tempt the Lord your God.”

“Golly, wind. Go away, in the name of Jesus. Thank you, Lord. Thank you for calming that cable, Lord. Oh, yeah. That's my savior. That's Jesus.”

One has to admire Wallenda, however, for keeping the faith. Wallenda’s “savior” has proven mysteriously selective on which Wallenda family members are saved from falling.