Political wine

It’s been an historic debate in Washington D.C., with far-reaching ramifications.

For example, Illusionist David Copperfield, who once made the Statue of Liberty disappear, faces a significant career crisis because he knows he’ll never be able to make simultaneously disappear the ability of 435 people to balance a checkbook.

Unfortunately, The City Wire has not provided adequate coverage of this high stakes showdown in our nation’s capital. We tried. Didn’t have the stomach for it. The rhetoric, hyperbole, twisted facts, political spin and outright lies were too noxious — and that was just from the talking heads on MSNBC and FOX News.

But because we treasure the trust of our many Kind Readers, we did obtain insider memos from the Democrats and GOP with the hope they would provide clarity. Judging from the memos, the debt ceiling debate boils down to three primary issues: the great economic apocalypse to begin immediately if we don’t raise the debt ceiling; the great economic apocalypse to begin immediately if we raise taxes along with the debt ceiling; and something about the whereabouts of Casey Anthony.

Anyway, the insider memos provided surprising insight into Democratic and GOP talking points. The talking points were verified as talking points by the bipartisan Congressional Budget Office, an independent survey of economists and four out of five dentists.

Without further delay …

POSSIBLE SCENARIOS IF THE DEBT CEILING IS NOT RAISED
• Say goodbye to Central Standard Time.

• Voldemort returns.

• The space shuttles are re-commissioned and given to the Chinese to cover our interest payments for August, September and October.

• Prohibition returns.

• An unnamed Saudi prince buys the music rights to the National Anthem.

• Social Security recipients are tracked down and taunted by illegal aliens wearing Sarah Palin masks.

• Disco returns.

• All doors automatically open at Guantanamo Bay.

• The International Space Station will fall from orbit and pieces of the large station will fall on school playgrounds killing innocent children, teachers, fire fighters, police officers, veterans, Congressional Medal of Honor winners and Betty White.

• Parachute pants return.

• Wall Street bankers are allowed to eat poor people.

POSSIBLE SCENARIOS IF TAXES AND THE DEBT CEILING ARE RAISED
• Wal-Mart Stores Inc. corporate headquarters moves to a moon base.

• College football is replaced by water polo.

• The market for $2,000-a-plate fundraisers dries up.

• The terrorists win.

• Homosexuals will be made U.S. Navy admirals and will hand over half the U.S. aircraft carrier fleet to Mexican drug lords in exchange for a warehouse of memorabilia signed by Freddie Mercury.

• The Daytona 500 will be cut back to the Daytona 5.

• IRS agents are allowed to audit tax returns by waterboarding.

• Democrats in Congress will dive nekkid from the Capitol dome into pools of cash they will then cut up and make into Post-it notes.

• The words, “In God We Trust” will be removed from currency and replaced with quotes from Charlie Sheen.

We initially found the two lists disturbing, but after a few glasses of wine, we all agreed that when she gets older, Casey Anthony will look like Nancy Pelosi. Then we figured that would be a crass and offensive observation, except for those accustomed to what passes for insightful political commentary at MSNBC and FOX News.

And then we had a few more glasses of wine and hoped this incredibly unproductive nonsense would all disappear with a dramatic motion of Copperfield’s arms.