Billy and the Senator

Billy, the college friend from thousands of years ago, called this week. He’s equal parts amused and alarmed about the driving habits of a certain Arkansas Senator.

Also, Billy continues to believe The City Wire will never be a long-term success unless it includes stories about hunting seasons, high school football and presents a weekly photo feature of a local Hooters girl.

“Just proves that it’s better to be lucky than good,” Billy responds when reminded that The City Wire has been a success for more than two years without those items. “And don’t get smart with me. All these folks in the big city there may think you’re something special, but you and I know you ain’t nothing but a farm boy from Johnson County.”

Needless to say, Billy was in fine spirits and had fine spirits within. He was in rare form. The phone call was recorded. It went something like this.

Billy: Read them stories about your Senator Ricky Bobby. What a moron!

MT: Senator who?

Billy: Ricky Bobby. You know, that state senator from Greenwood that got busted for driving 110 miles an hour and fleeing from the law. I would say that boy done s*#t in his own hat.

MT: Oh, you mean Senator Bruce Holland. Yes, well, he certainly got caught at NASCAR speeds, and yes, he is proud of his big cowboy hat. It seems the law-and-order Republicans didn’t get the law-and-order memo out to all the new guys.

Billy: You’re gonna make this a political thing?

MT: Just saying that …

Billy: You’re just saying nothing. C’mon Tilley, this ain’t got nothing to do with politics. This is about a guy who thinks he’s above the law. Last I checked, that’s a condition infecting too many folks at too many levels from too many groups.

MT: OK, Billy. Calm down. You are correct. I just found it interesting that he’s part of the same political branch that likes to be seen as tough on crime.

Billy: Don’t know much about all that, but crime was about to be tough on him before that deputy sheriff found out he was a state legislator. And that Holland fella was sure quick to let the law know he had a concealed-carry permit and had his gun in the back.

MT: True. If it had been one of us taking the law on a 20-mile high speed chase with speeds of up to 110 miles per hour, one of us would right now be holding a phone just a few feet away from jail cell.

Billy: 10-4 on that my friend. And you wanna know what else Holland had concealed?

MT: No. What?

Billy: His brains. He’s obviously hiding them somewhere. I’d bet he’s got ‘em up his …

MT: Hey, hey, whoa! Let’s not make this too personal.

Billy: Don’t make this too personal?! Your Ricky Bobby could have killed a family. This ain’t like he forgot to pay for pack of gum before leaving Kum & Go, or like he stole a few political yard signs. Don’t give me your political correct junk about respect for folks that ain’t been formally accused. When this guy pegged the needle through 100, he burst the Respect Me balloon.

MT: Billy, we really should have these conversations before you near the end of a six pack.

Billy: Real funny. And lemme tell you what else is not right: He was driving a little Nissan sports car on his Cannonball Run. Please tell me this cowboy hat wearing Marlboro Man of a senator wasn’t driving a little sports car for chrissakes!

MT: Really, we’re going to pull crass stereotypes into this? This isn’t the …

Billy: This isn’t crass anything, college boy. You can pretend folks don’t think this way, but I betcha folks are thinking Mr. Rancher Republican shouldn’t be driving a sports car in the first place. But if he was, it should be a Corvette or a new Camaro or one of them Dodge Chargers. I mean, if you’re gonna be in a car driving crazy, it should have “General Lee” somewhere on it.

MT: OK, now you’re just being silly.

Billy: Silly? Try this for silly. At first I was thinking this little foreign sports car driving and 10-gallon hat wearing redneck may be a little funny like the cowboy in Village People. But I remembered that the last time I heard of an old boy driving that fast, he was running from an irate husband and making sure there were no tell-tale panties in the glove box.

MT: That’s so wrong on so many levels, I don’t know where to start. Look, Billy, I know you’re having fun with this, but it’s a serious matter and we might want to back up and wait to see what comes out of the legal process. Everyone, no matter how obvious it seems they screwed up, deserves to have their day in court.

Billy: Tilley, if we hadn’t been on so many double dates in college, I’d swear you were gay. Day in court, my ass! Isn’t there something in the oath them senators take about upholding the law of the land? If not, maybe they should just add a sentence that says, “I promise not to do anything that has to be presented to a prosecuting attorney.” If you think that’s too much to ask, then we both are just going to have to agree that you’re wrong.

MT: OK, sure, I’m gay because we disagree on who does and doesn’t deserve due process. You’re typically more reasonable than this. Why are you so angry about this?

Billy: I don’t know, maybe because it seems like every time I turn around, the government is telling me what I can and can’t do, or trying to shove this and that down my throat. I got penalized once for missing a few pennies on a tax return, but this boy can do his Speed Racer impression through a few counties and be allowed back in his car to drive off as if it was no big deal. If that don’t piss you off, nothing will.

MT: Well, it does piss me off. But I wouldn’t say nothing is going to happen. A prosecuting attorney is taking a look at the incident, and Senator Holland may soon face serious charges in the matter.

Billy: Don’t know about all that. I do know that if you folks at The City Wire had any guts, you’d sponsor that school bus jet thingy coming to the Air Show what goes 350 miles an hour and get a picture of Holland at the wheel. Maybe get a few Hooters girls to sit in his lap and stroke his …

MT: Hey, now! Let’s keep it PG.

Billy: I was going to say stroke the brim of his hat.

MT: Suuurrrrre you were.

Billy: OK, you got me there. But seriously, you need to get them Hooters girls involved in your little web deal.

MT: Sure, and we’ll change the name to The Cleavage Wire. Don’t think so. Goodnight Billy.