Regarding Rosey

The following is a real letter. From a real person. We’re not sure about the dog. Or the story about the dog. But we do take this opportunity to reply to the letter, if for no other reason than it was more interesting than the notes we’ve received from supporters of Bernard Skoch. The deal is, we’re told in no uncertain terms, this Skoch fella will sweep the 3rd District GOP primary because we’re all mad as hell at Obama, Pelosi, Reid and those morons in the media who won’t acknowledge that Tea Party folks have all the right answers about the questions you have about government. And if you don’t like their answers, it’s because you’ve asked the wrong question.

And now, the letter:

Dear Mr. Tilley:

I want you to know that I enjoy reading The City Wire although I really don’t know if I’m considered a “reader” or not since looking at the computer screen is a little different than reading a book and I don’t know if what I’m doing is reading. In fact, I am another generation from you and most of the time, I really don’t know what I’m doing at all. I’m not an important person, just an average guy with a small job and very few friends and not much in the way of fun.

I don’t want to keep it this way forever and after reading The City Wire, I discussed this situation with my dog, Rosey. Rosey is much different than me. She is outgoing and fun and she has a very high opinion of herself. She had an idea that might help both of us and maybe it would help you. And in furtherance of all those ends, she suggested that we could liven up our lives if Rosey was to get some kind of award.

For example, if there were to be an award for Rosey she would have her picture in The City Wire (and she loves that) and all her friends would see that and remark upon it. Also, there’s the possibility that there would be an awards banquet and refreshments. Rosey would like that, particularly if there are liquid refreshments. She feels that this kind of recognition would lead to a livelier social life for us and, very possibly, some kind of employment (legitimate) for both of us.

She’s already tried this with minimum success. For example, she went to that new Web site, “MyButt,” but nothing happened, at least nothing which you can tell about.

Then we read The City Wire and we got to thinking about you. After all, you have a wide audience, many approaching three hundred pounds, and lots of contacts (after all you are wired), so Rosey suggested I contact you and suggest her as a possible recipient for some award. She is of unknown pedigree, but nonetheless, she is famous in our neighborhood for being bisexual. That, of course, is a subject for another award.

But primarily, I want to nominate Rosey because while she (he) doesn’t do very much but eat and poop and sleep, Rosey has a tremendous interest in self-promotion. Particularly at feeding time. And when all is said and done, self-promotion is a very significant motivating factor in our community. They are the takers.

So it would seem to me that she is an ideal candidate for one of the many awards given out periodically.

Devotedly,
A small, insignificant reader

PS: Since dictating the above, I’m afraid that in connection with Rosey, I have some bad news. I must withdraw Rosey’s name from consideration for the award. Last night I sent Rosey out and she returned this morning, worse for wear. I cannot imagine what Rosey was up to in this primarily white, Anglo-Saxon Christian neighborhood, but I just cannot risk my reputation if it should get out that I nominated a tramp for an award. I immediately sent Rosey to bed with an aspirin and a gin rickey. Sorry for using your time for such a foolish endeavor.

And now, the response:

Dear Insignificant Reader and owner of Rosey:

No need to apologize. We most enjoyed the letter and would urge you not to allow Rosey’s behavior to be a deterrent. Chasing tail — a figurative and literal reality in Rosey’s world — may alter a career, but it’s likely none of us would step away from the bank accounts of Bill Clinton, John Edwards, Tiger Woods and Angelina Jolie.

We were initially concerned that sex and alcohol plays such an important role in Rosey’s recent transgressions. But then we remembered it is an election year.

When informed that Republicans running for the 3rd Congressional District must pay $7,500 to the Republican Party, a friend noted that if he were to pay that much to a party, the party better include hookers and whiskey. To be sure, hookers and whiskey have a place in American electoral history. The campaign of George Washington sent barrels of whiskey to political events rather than their esteemed candidate. And a quick Google of “Hookers and politics” will deliver news articles about the boom in the sex business when the big Democratic and Republican conventions come to a town. The only surprise is that most hookers report that Republican conventions are better for business. Such reports provide a whole new meaning to stimulus funding.

Such news probably doesn’t surprise Rosey, who would be at an advantage at the conventions because her bisexuality doubles her entertainment options. Which may be what keeps her out all night. But as to Rosey’s desire for publicity, The City Wire can only do so much. We would encourage you to write a letter to Fort Smith Mayor Ray Baker or the University of Arkansas at Fort Smith or some of the local civic clubs who hand out awards and recognitions for reasons that sometimes go beyond the superficial.

If you find it difficult to keep Rosey contained or sober long enough to make a decision on where to apply, we’d encourage you to focus on getting a letter to Mayor Baker. He’s handed out so many awards in the past 20 years that The City Wire may endorse his re-election for fear that his departure from that office would result in hundreds of lost jobs in the local florist and trophy shops. In fact, we hear his re-election campaign may qualify for state economic development incentives.

For what it’s worth, the owners of The City Wire inform me that they have purchased www.bootysniffer.com if at some point you and Rosey consider producing a reality television show about her neighborhood “activities,” or if you think she has a career in the porn industry — not that there is much of a difference in terms of the selling of the soul.

We apologize for not being more helpful. Please keep us informed of Rosey’s pursuit of recognition and her (his) other pursuits.