Fools rush in …

We briefly considered posting a few stories Wednesday (April 1) containing about three parts Silliness to every two parts Possible. Or some similar concoction of hybrid fiction.

But these April Fools gags easily backfire, and unless the whole gang is in on the gag, one runs the risk of having to explain to thousands that city director Whozits WAS NOT caught wearing an adult diaper at the top of the Immaculate Conception spire with a bag of herb and a box of condoms. Let me repeat, city director Whozits WAS NOT …

Anyway, The City Wire staff developed a few ideas for April Fool’s day stories. And then we developed a few reasons why placing the stories on The City Wire would result in us being the fools. Although the fear of appearing foolish is not always an adequate incentive to prevent yours truly from posting commentary, reason on this matter trumped the foolish pursuit.

We decided instead to include a summary of the April Fool’s story ideas here because we didn’t want our time to be a complete waste. Here then, Kind Reader, are The City Wire April Fool’s stories we were too chicken to post on the great day of pranks.

Obama Delivers I-49 Funding
President Barack Obama, along with Sens. Blanche Lincoln, D-Ark., and Mark Pryor, D-Ark., made a surprise visit to Fort Smith to present a $2 billion check to Gov. Mike Beebe and state highway officials to construct Interstate 49 through Arkansas. Obama said the other $2 billion needed to fund I-49 through Arkansas would be released upon the re-election of Lincoln to the U.S. Senate.

In a related story, the Fort Smith Regional Chamber of Commerce and the Sebastian County Republican Party joined forces to raise money and manage thousands of volunteers for the “Committee To Badger The Absolute Hell Out Of Anyone Who Runs Against Lincoln.”

“We’ve already hired a group of New Jersey dock worker supervisors to meet with people who have expressed an interest in running against Lincoln in the 2010 election cycle,” noted a joint statement from the chamber and Sebastian County Republicans.

Crash Goes Nationwide
The Crash McDaven comic series created and crafted by Jake McTyre will leave The City Wire to be syndicated in the New York Times. Also, New Line Cinema will produce a film based on McTyre’s fumble-footed private investigator, with Peter Jackson directing. Actors mentioned to play Crash include Bruce Willis, Nicolas Cage and Stephen Colbert. The City Wire’s Peter Lewis has a cameo as a food reviewer who chokes to death on a cow’s tongue taco.

Riverfront Gambling
Fort Smith City Administrator Dennis Kelly shocked the city board of directors and the audience gathered for a special board meeting when he announced that a loophole in the Arkansas lottery amendment creates special zoning rules that allow for a Las Vegas-style casino to be built in downtown Fort Smith.

“Me and some financial partners from Miami will be clearing a seven-block area in downtown Fort Smith beginning tomorrow,” Kelly announced. “And one more thing: You’ll need to start looking for a new city administrators, because I’m out the door.”

Van Buren Annex
Van Buren Mayor Bob Freeman proposed an ordinance annexing Fort Smith under a little known provision in the Arkansas Constitution that allows cities north of the Arkansas River to “acquire” adjacent cities south of the river. The amendment, part of Arkansas’ post-Civil War constitution, was reviewed by Arkansas Attorney General Dustin McDaniel.

“As crazy as it sounds, the annexation would be, and should be, legal,” McDaniel noted in a recent opinion. “And if the annexation happens before an amendment correcting this odd 1874 language, it would take another constitutional amendment to de-annex Fort Smith. Sounds like you Fort Smithians are screwed on this deal.”

Devastated by the news, Fort Smith Mayor Baker tossed his inventory of rose petals off the Garrison Avenue bridge. He was later fined by the U.S. Corps of Engineers for clogging the downstream lock and dam.

“‘Life’s worth living in Van Buren’ just doesn’t have the same ring to it,” Baker said before he broke down in tears.

Mayor Freeman plans to move the city offices of the new and larger Van Buren to the old Wal-Mart store on Midland Avenue.

“It geographically is the new center of town,” Freeman explained. “And it’s closer to many of the good Asian restaurants reviewed by Peter Lewis.”

Television Merger
In a surprise joint telecast, Daren Bobb, Donna Bragg, Craig Cannon and Bridget Schultz announced that KFSM 5 and KHBS 40/29 will merge to create a new station with the call sign KHWY 5/40.

“The new call sign will be a clear link to the interstate that connects the Fort Smith and Northwest Arkansas areas,” station officials noted in a subsequent press release.

Owners of the newly merged station, financed by members of the Walton Family, say an “American Idol” style system will be used to determine which on-air personalities remain. Viewers will be allowed to vote between Bobb, Bragg, Cannon and Schultz. The competition will include swimsuit modeling, fish cleaning, cleaning fish while wearing a swimsuit while anchoring a newscast and the best live performance of a Bee Gees tune.

“We plan to retain Garrett Lewis as the weather chief because after a careful check of the records, it appears he spends more at Wal-Mart than the weather chief at 40/29,” noted the statement from the new company.

Bombs Away
The new owners of the former Phoenix Village Mall property and officials with the 188th Fighter Wing announced today that the old mall property would be demolished using bombs from A-10 Warthogs.

“Such a partnership provides us the perfect opportunity to practice the types of urban bombing techniques necessary to win the War on Terrorism,” noted a statement from the U.S. Air Force.

According to a more detailed joint statement from property owners and the military, it was disclosed the Phoenix Village Mall property would be divided into 5-square-foot grids, with citizens allowed to buy a grid for $250. The “owner” of the grid in which the first bomb falls wins $100,000 in Dollar General coupons and X-Mart gift certificates.

It is estimated this effort would raise about $10 million, with proceeds used to cover the cost of collateral damage and to pay the legal fees of The City Wire editor Michael Tilley who was caught wearing an adult diaper at the top of the Immaculate Conception spire with a bag of herb …