Censored

This essay is nothing more than the Top Ten essay topics proposed by yours truly that were rejected by the powers-that-be at The City Wire. They said it was for my own good.

10. How I discovered an odd skin growth in a hard to reach place.

9. The meaning of weird dreams about Daren Bobb and lingerie.

8. Why a Hooker Museum with hands-on exhibits would be a great fit next to the Marshals Museum. (Tour groups could be booked using a “Marshals and Madames” advertising campaign, with an ending note that they both were known to employ and/or enjoy handcuffs. Or maybe the ending note should say something about them both making their living looking for bad men. And try this television advertising tag line: “They put men under lock and key. And let us introduce you to Ms. Lock and Ms. Key.” Menage a Marshals! Anyway, the possibilities of sophomoric innuendo like that you’ve just read, limited only by the local ministerial alliance, would be stimulating for just a few seconds and then it would become boring.)

7. Watching jackasses bray and monkeys fling feces at each other … and other similar things one can watch at a zoo or in the public galleries above the U.S House and Senate.

6. We can’t go wrong with this new fundraising slogan: Build I-49 by 2149!

5. With the economy in the crapper, will we lose our Mexican restaurants?

4. Addressing the narrow-minded, non-rational boneheads who with a straight face will claim the government subsidization of tobacco and its criminalization of marijuana reflects a consistent and wise federal drug policy.

3. Speaking of drug policies … Discussion of a funding idea for a $20 million Fort Smith sports complex that includes the hundreds of acres around Lake Fort Smith and marijuana harvesting. Tokes for tots.

2. As a community we lobby during the next Arkansas legislative session for funding for a football team and stadium for the University of Arkansas at Fort Smith. The stadium will be built on the riverfront in downtown Fort Smith. It will be named the Ray Baker Stadium with corporate funding from Cox Communications. In the offseason, Fort Smith area folks whose lives were ruined by the move of religious and Lawrence Welk cable channels by Cox can watch those shows on the stadium’s jumbotron. The gigantic electric bill for the jumbotron will come out of the Mayor’s budget.

1. Change the form of Fort Smith city government so that a mayor is the city manager. The mayor — who doesn’t have to be a city resident and serves until the Razorback football team wins a national championship or until the mayor dies — is selected using a citywide poker tournament.