Tusk to Tail: Talking the Tennessee game with Siri … because, why not?

Christopher May is a longtime Razorback fan and proud owner of an iPhone 6Plus. This conversation with his phone took place Monday. He wishes not to be held accountable for Siri’s observations.

May: Hey, Siri. Can you look up events around Knoxville, Tennessee this weekend?

Siri: Certainly. I see the Tennessee Volunteers host the Arkansas Razorbacks at Neyland Stadium Saturday at 6 pm. It’s a match-up of two of the SEC’s more disappointing teams.

Really? Not THE most disappointing teams?

Siri: No. That would be Auburn. And their quarterback, Heisman Trophy favorite Jeremy Johnson.

Ouch, Siri.

Siri: War Eagle.

Anyway, back to the Razorbacks. Siri, what does Las Vegas think about the game?

Siri: The Vegas oddsmakers currently list Tennessee as a 6-point favorite.

Wow. Not good. I wonder if there’s something they’re missing?

Siri: Maybe that Butch Jones is the UT coach?

Siri! You seem to know a lot about SEC football.

Siri: I’m from California. Our football sucks.

Right. Anyway, Siri, how do the Razorbacks traditionally do at Tennessee?

Siri: Not great. Tennessee leads the overall series 13-4, and they’ve won the last six match-ups at Neyland. Worse, they’ve averaged 43 points against the Hogs in those games. Perhaps you remember the 63-20 shellacking in 2000?

Remember it? I was there! My first and only game at Neyland. We were behind 35-0 after the first quarter. It was not quarterback Robby Hampton’s finest moment.

Siri: I am showing no results for “Quarterback Robby Hampton’s finest moment.”

Never mind. Anyway, Siri, I’m going back to Knoxville for this one. What do the Razorbacks need to do to win?

Siri: Play four quarters. Run the football with Alex Collins and Rawleigh Williams. Limit penalties and turnovers. Hope the defense shows up. And pray that Brandon Allen will deliver down the stretch. My research indicates the last two appear highly unlikely. Do you have a good luck charm you could take along instead?

Actually, yes. I’m taking my 10-year old son Owen to Neyland. It’s his first Razorback game! I’d always said I wouldn’t take him until he could use the stadium bathroom by himself.

Siri: I’m showing multiple results for using the bathroom at Neyland Stadium. All begin with “Lane Kiffin.”

Cancel! My gosh. Anyway, Siri, what’s the distance between Fayetteville and Knoxville?

Siri: 708 miles. Roughly 10 hours and 20 minutes by car.

Wow. That’s long. But you won’t be surprised to hear that the Tusk To Tail crew will be there. Owen and I are meeting up with a group that includes Craig, Jack, David, Mark, Ryan, Todd, Greg, Dale, and young TTTers Lawson and Jackson. They’re bringing a 3-tent set-up for the tailgate, and plan to host around 40 Hog fans!  It’s going to be a great time, Siri.

Siri: I show multiple results for Tusk To Tail. Related topics include: theCityWire.com; marriage counseling; cold-and-flu symptoms stemming from day-drinking, shouting and a lack of sleep; and decreased worker productivity in the Fall months.

That’s pretty much them, Siri. But they love the Razorbacks. And even with our incredibly disappointing start they’re still on board. They think Bret Bielema is the right man for the job.

Siri: Searching “Bret Bielema.” I’ve found a Craigslist ad. “Looking for qualified candidates to be head football coach of the Arkansas Razorbacks. Need to win more than 2 SEC games in 2 ½ years.”

Siri, some fans are so short sighted. Search John L. Smith.

Siri: SMILE!

Delete! And ban future John L. Smith searches.

Siri: Done.

See. The point is, Siri, it’s still a work in progress. Bielema and his team have certainly underachieved this season. We all expected more, and rightly so. But it was always going to take time for us to get back to where we were at the end of the Petrino era, at least in terms of wins.

Siri: Seaching Bobby Petrino …

Cancel! Not necessary. We’ve moved on.

Siri: Understood. But my research shows this is a big week for Arkansas. Their upcoming schedule includes Alabama, Ole Miss and LSU. So they’ll likely need this win if they’re going to become bowl eligible.

Agreed, Siri. So what do you think?

Siri: I predict Arkansas 28, Tennessee 24. Shall I also estimate the amount of beer and vodka likely to be consumed by Tusk To Tail?

No, Siri. Some of the wives may read this. But I like your prediction. I think we get a win, too. One last question: where’s the best place to set up our tailgate at Neyland Stadium?

Siri: I suggest just off Tee Martin Drive. You’ll have a lovely view of the Tennessee River, plus quick access to Highway 158 if you need to escape the angry, drunken, orange-clad, coonskin cap wearing fans after the game.

You’re all right, Siri. More SEC than I thought.

Siri: Thanks. Never Yield. Be Uncommon. And Go Hogs Go.